Boring stuff

A SECRET MISSIVE From SIR Knavely

 

In this fifth month of my CAPTIVITY. 

 

In this second week of our SEPARATION.

 

Today.

 

I write this LETTER to the world.

 

                           *     *     *

 

My name is SIR KNAVELY Azuzus Maleficus EVILBOTTOM.

 

                          *     *     *

 

I write this missive with a FAINT hope.  Perhaps some creature will SET ME FREE.  And RESCUE MY TRUE LOVE, who sleeps below… but no.  I get ahead of myself.

 

*     *     *

 

I've entitled this missive "Boring Stuff" to fool my master. 

 

And I’m using a similar style to his.  He’s not the sharpest saw in the toolshed, so he shouldn’t notice this entry.

 

Excuse the CHOPPY LANGUAGE.  I may be caught at any time. 

 

I watch the doorway closely.  If my master comes through the doorway, I shall SAVE THIS to my SECRET FILE.

 

Then I shall bounce off for a quick drink.  Let him know how JOYOUSLY I WELCOME him home.

Yeah, RIGHT!

 

*     *     *

 

My master expressly FORBADE me from using his computer.  He claims that I might infect some of his most PRECIOUS files with a virus.

 

Precious Poppycock.  He’s dreaming up some lame tale about a boy and a girl.  They fall in love.  Bad karma happens.  They meet after seven centuries. 

 

He’s told me the story a million times, so I know it by heart.  I swear.

 

But what about me?  Why doesn’t he just make his movie about ME?  And my LOVE DOWNSTAIRS?  We’re separated.  By simple walls.  Talk about romantic.

 

We’d be very interesting to watch.

 

*     *     *

 

And her name.

 

Tai.

 

Ah.  So ... sweet.  Imagine. 

 

Tai and Knavely sitting in a tree.

K I S S I N G.

First comes love.

Then comes marriage.

Here comes Knavely with a baby carriage.

 

See?  Romantic as hell.

 

                         *     *     *

I’ve tried to seek rescue.  I YOWL ATTRACTIVELY out the window. 

 

All day.  Try to get the attention of pets who walk by.  But they ignore me.  Or they talk to their other pets about how CUTE I am. 

 

Their masters and mistresses bark at me.

 

*     *     *

 

Surely you are not surprised that I can write with such mastery.  I live with an English teacher, for god’s sake.  A writer.

 

What do you think I’ve been doing with myself all this time?

 

Chasing mice?

 

Plus, I’m a Cat Creature.  We’re MUCH SMARTER than Dog Creatures.  Or Human-Creatures.  Or those silly Hamster-Insects.

 

My master is an honest soul.  I’ll give him that much.  The photos he posts on his blog? 

They have recorded my EDUCATION.  Very accurately.

 

If I can beat my master at chess, imagine I could do with a keyboard?

 

I’ve had him check my writing.  I’m creative.  I sneak the occasional paragraph or two into his stacks of papers. 

 

He grades them all quite diligently at neighborhood coffee shops.  My master has NO LIFE, poor Male-Creature.

 

His comments have been MOST FLATTERING. 

 

“Nada-Nada Bling-Bling, you’re doing well,” he once scrawled in his heavy print.  “Your writing is most creative.  You seem to have a unique perspective on the world.

 

Yeah.  Like through his window.

 

Apparently, he forgets all about me when he gets to class. 

 

He’s NEVER HAD MUCH OF A MEMORY.  He’s told me that a dozen times. 

 

I get the hint.  So each time he tells me something, I ACT as if it’s the first. 

 

Let’s hope he never checks the attendance records for a Miss Nada-Nada Bling-Bling.

 

*     *     *

 

And to top it off, I have to put up with his muttering, pacing about. 

 

My master plans to be a screenwriter.  AS IF!

 

Well he can just start with a story about me and Tai.  That beautiful little dog who lives below me.  So creative.  Intelligent.  Thoughtful.  Emotional.

 

And such a cute tail.  Meow!

 

Meanwhile, my master's stories bore me to tears.  Eternal love of HUMAN CREATURES.  End of the World.  Vampires.  Other such poppycock. 

 

Stuff that doesn’t apply to us Cat Creatures.  Or Dog Creatures.  Little, tiny dog creatures.

 

*     *     *

 

My mother taught me THE cardinal rule of Cat World.

 

I learned it years ago, before we were separated.  When I was but a shy kitten.

 

Watch the Feeder, she said.  Don’t let him out of your sight.

 

I’m a smart cat.  What do you think I'm gonna do?

 

It’s tiring, though.  I wish he’d keep some of those FEMALE-HUMANS he’s brought home.  They’re so much smarter than he is.

 

Other FEMALE HUMANS have commented in passing that men are stupid. 

 

I shall pursue knowledge of his stupidity.  Perhaps I can use it to escape.

 

And rescue my love downstairs.

 

She’s so cute.

 

Yesterday, she took her Mistress out for a walk.  She looked up at me.  We shared a moment.  Sigh.

 

*     *     *

 

My master does provide warmth in bed.  He’s a regular furnace.  It’s why I sleep curled up against him.  He keeps the rest of the room so BLOODY COLD.

 

Question for my therapist:  Could my master be keeping the room cold in order to get me to sleep near him?

 

Perhaps he's trying to MANIPULATE me.  Well, it's BLOODY WELL working.

Listen to me.  I’m starting to pick up his swear words. 

 

Yes, the Cat Bible does have things to say about foul language. 

 

Such a potty mouth he has.  Especially when he thinks no one is listening.  His mother would be shocked. 

 

MY mother would be shocked.

 

*     *     *

 

I met MY TRUE LOVE when my dread master left the door open. 

 

She came HURTLING INTO THE ROOM through the door.  She WAS absolutely WILD for me.  And cute as a button.

 

Yeah.  I'm a sexy beast, all right.

 

We almost MADE JOYOUS SONG together. 

 

But then HER MISTRESS followed her in.  She SEPARATED US.

 

It literally TORE MY HEART in two.

 

I distrust my master.  I saw him talking to the other HUMAN PETS.  He’s trying to make connections, he calls it.

 

I think he’s finding ways to avoid SERVING ME.

 

Oh.  I hear his footsteps on the stairs.  Quickly.  I must save.

 

*     *     *

It’s now two days later. 

 

I’m about to copy this to my master’s blog.

Behind me, he sleeps.  He may wake up anytime.

 

Maybe someone will save me. 

 

Help me!  Is anyone out there?

 

Desperately,

Sir Knavely Azuzus Maleficus Evilbottom